A Mum's View

My Happiness Challenge by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View
28 Mar 2012 | 0 Comments
On Monday 19th March I started a 7 Day Happiness Challenge as part of my involvement with the Happiness Inspires Happiness project. My theory was that if I made a conscious effort to do something every day that made me feel happy, really happy, then that would have some form of flow on effect to my family as well.

I admit I found it challenging on some days to actually keep my commitment, My husband was interstate for 5 days last week so I was on solo parenting most of the week which meant my already bust schedule was even busier. Then again, perhaps the best time to take on the challenge!

So what sort of things did I do each day that made me feel happy?

Day 1

I discovered the local Woolworths makes fresh Jam Donuts now and I love Jam Donuts. It is probably a year since I ate one so I decided that would make the perfect afternoon sneaky treat, it was going to be a long day with hubby interstate.
With hubby away I also too the opportunity to jump into bed at 8.30pm to watch some trashy TV. TV in bed felt like a treat

Day 2

There was a meeting that evening at Miss 3.5 childcare centre. My Dad came down late in the day to stay the night so I could go to it and leave girls at home. I confess I parked around the corner from my house on the way home and read a couple of chapters of my book (which I was loving) ... shhh, don't tell anyone I didn't come straight home

Day 3

My plan was to watch a chick flick once I had the girls in bed. With hubby away I thought it would be a lovely thing to do for myself. Instead I had a really crappy night getting the kids to sleep and when I finally succeeded at 9pm I was too tired and cross to sit down and watch a movie. So I just cleaned up the dishes, had my shower and went to bed. So, today I actually didn't do a thing that made me feel happy

Day 4

This was a child-free work day for me. Normally I eat lunch at my desk and work like a mad woman all day. Today I treated myself to a lunch break ... 20 min lying on my bed reading my book that I was so engrossed in.
Hubby got home at 10pm from his work trip :)

Day 5

Normally this would be a child-free work day for me, however the first half of my day was spent at RPA. I had my 20 week ultrasound scheduled and an appointment at the Birth Centre. The ultrasound took several hours thanks to a baby being very uncooperative about rolling over for important views. Of course seeing my little baby made me very happy but as this was a planned appointment I didn't think it should count as my action for the Happiness Challenge. Instead, my husband and I went for lunch afterwards at a cafe I have been wanting to visit. Sitting outside in the sunshine, enjoying a coffee and yummy food got a big tick for happiness! This was a pretty big thing for us to do as we both desperately needed to get home and actually get some work done for the day ...

Day 6 & 7

These days happen to coincide with my wedding anniversary where for the first time in 2 years I was getting a night away from being "Mum" so there was no shortage things I did in these 26 hours that made me happy.
- Reading the paper in the sunshine while hubby went off for a paddle
- A quick swim in the harbour
- An afternoon nap
- A lovely dinner with my husband
- A SLEEP IN!!!!!! 8.45am .... wow :)
So that was how my Happiness Challenge unfolded. Now the all important question ... what difference (if any) did it make to my family life?
- I think I would like t try this again sometime when my husband is actually at home for the week ... I am curious what difference (if any) it would make to our relationship during the week
- I definitely feel that focusing more on myself helped me be a "nicer" Mum over the 5 days I was the solo parent
- I really enjoyed treating myself but did experience some internal conflict if my activity was going to take up time, after all my "to do" list in life and business is a bit out of control at the moment
- This exercise reminded me it doesn't have to be hard or time consuming to look after myself a little better
What about you? Did you join me for the Happiness Challenge? Would you like to give one a go?

Feel free to post your experiences below - I would love to hear about them

Linda x
7 Days of Gratitude by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View
8 Mar 2012 | 0 Comments
Following this post last week I was inspired to try out the practice of gratitude for 30 seconds each day. I decided to write them down to ensure I remained mindful of the practice and of course so I could share the experience with you.

As a Life Coach I have discussed gratitude with many clients and created gratitude practices with them as part of their self development … but I have never created a dedicated practice for my self.

So what was the experience like for me?

Here are some things I experienced:
- Little things brought as much “lightness” as the deep and meaningful things
- Some days it flowed easily other days it felt like “effort”
- Often I didn’t spend 30 consecutive seconds focused on gratitude. Does this matter? I am not sure. I would think of something in the morning I felt grateful for, then later in the day something else would pop into my mind.
- I felt more aware of when others in my life were focused on negativity. I wanted to ask them to focus on what they could feel gratitude for … but I didn’t
- I sometimes worried about whether you might judge me for what I felt grateful for ... but I didn't change anything I wrote
Here is what I have been grateful for in the last 7 days:

Day 1: Today I am grateful for …
- My health and my families health – this week there are many people in our world with serious health issues. I am so grateful that I have a healthy family
Day 2: Today I am grateful for …
- The stash of homemade pesto in the freezer … too busy working today to think about cooking for the family
- The stash of chocolate honeycomb in the back of fridge
Day 3: Today I am grateful for …
- Pregnancy nausea … it tells me I have a thriving baby
- Good coffee
- Special friends flying in from Melbourne for the weekend
Day 4: Today I am grateful for …
- Special friendship
- Laughter
Day 5: Today I am grateful for …
- Sunshine
- My Dad’s generosity in time & love
- My husband
Day 6: Today I am grateful for …
- Yoga
- A baby who loves her sleep
Day 7: Today I am grateful for …
- A husband who cares so deeply about who he is as a parent
- My ‘baby’ who is finally walking
- Financial security
What are you grateful for today?

Linda x
Could you find gratitude in your darkest hour? by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View, Women who Inspire
29 Feb 2012 | 3 Comments

Last week I attended an event where the theme was 'Inspiring Happiness". I was honoured to be a recipient of Happiness Inspires Happiness program ... I will be setting up a 7 Day Happiness Challenge via Mums on the Go in the near future ... stay tuned.

There were some terrific guest speakers but the person who most impacted my was Lori, mother of 2, from Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum. She has a pretty gut wrenching story to tell ... On the 6th of January, 2011, one day after his birthday, her husband suffered a violent psychosis which resulted in him taking his own life. He hung himself in their backyard, in front of Lori and their 1 year old daughter. If you want to know more about Lori you can read her blog ... but I warn you, it is very powerful stuff ... Lori says it the way it is in her world. Have tissues on hand ...

There were many things that inspired me about Lori ... firstly her willingness to stand in front of a room of people and share her very personal and difficult story. Lori suffers from depression and anxiety and she spoke of the role Forgiveness, Gratitude & Mindfulness has played in her ability to get through the last 15 months.

I wanted to share a little of what she said about Gratitude, a daily practice she has held for around 10 years. Inspired by Oprah, Lori began a 30 second daily practice of reflecting on what she was grateful for each day. Big things, little things, trivial things ... it didn't really matter. She noticed over time she no longer had to "think" about the practice ... it would just happen ... every day. She found this practice helped her to feel happier no matter what other challenges were happening in her life. She joked that some days she felt a little "Pollyanna".

Then on the night her husband hung himself she found herself lying on a mattress on the floor of a friends house. As she lay there she heard herself think ... I am so grateful to not have to go home tonight, to have a friend who is here for me. I am grateful my children are with their grandparents tonight and safe. As she realised she was expressing gratitude in her darkest hour she felt like kicking herself ... it was ridiculous she thought in that moment.

Lori now talks about that moment and says she realised that if she could find Gratitude in that moment then she was going to be able to find gratitude in any moment and she moved forward from that terrible day. If she could find gratitude every day she knew that somehow she was going to be OK.

I have tried to put myself in Lori's shoes, I have wondered if I would be able to feel gratitude in that moment. I have also thought about how important it was that Lori already had her Gratitude practice so well ingrained in her life that it was simply there, in support, when she most needed it.

So, I have decided to try it out for the next 7 days ... take 30 seconds to reflect on what I feel grateful for. I think I will write it down.

Would you like to join me?
Rudd vs Gillard vs Peppa Pig by Linda Anderson
in A Mum's View
27 Feb 2012 | 0 Comments

Today there are significant political events unfolding. Apparently there will be a ballot to decide the leadership of the Labour Party and therefore of Australia. Regardless of your political views this is important stuff.

However, I couldn't tell you when this all began, what sparked it, who is favoured to win or what anyone really thinks about it. My weekly news intake seems to consist of a quick scan of headlines on my iphone a few times a week. I never get to watch news on TV because it is right in the middle of kids dinner/bath time. I used to watch the 9.30pm news on SBS but recently they moved it to 10.30pm ... far to late for me!

I never listen to the news on the car radio as I always have kids in the car with me which means we are too busy singing along to a kids CD.

I find it an odd feeling to be so detached from events in the world. I often wonder if I am a poor social citizen for being so ignorant of world events or if it really makes no difference.

This morning my husband left early for a work trip, my 3 year old was up at 6.15am so was allowed to watch some TV from 6.40am while I made breakfast. My 15 months old is having a huge sleep in (still snoozing at 8am while I write this) so I took the opportunity to sneak back to my bedroom at 7am with my coffee and toast and watch the news highlights on TV - this is the most news I have seen on TV for a month!

Hence I can tell you ... there is a ballot at 10am for Labour leadership, George Clooney & Brad Pitt have a bet on about who will win best actor at the Oscar's today, India is unhappy with some umpiring decisions made in the cricket game against Australia last night and it will be 29C with possible storms in Sydney today.

Who will be the Prime Minister of Australia tonight?

Who will win best actor at the Oscar's?

Unless they have a new bulletin in the middle of Peppa Pig today I am unlikely to know!

Linda x
Should restaurants ban children? by Linda Anderson
in Child Friendly Experiences, A Mum's View
20 Feb 2012 | 6 Comments
Last week Mamamia published a blog post called The restaurants that wont allow children. If you read the article, and attached comments, you will find it was a topic on which people held some very strong views.

As someone who spends a lot of time researching and supporting child-friendly cafes & restaurants I was really fascinated by the article. A lot of really interesting questions were raised:
- Does a cafe/restaurant have a right to ban small children?
- Would you pay a surcharge to take a child to a restaurant?
- When does a child's behaviour become unacceptable in a cafe/restaurant? Is it when they cry, or when they bang their spoon on the table?
- Do parents have the right to take their kids to any cafe/restaurant they want to or just the "child-friendly" ones?
One comment posted that made me chuckle was someone who asked something like "If we can ban children because they are too noisy can we also ban the tables of pretentious grown ups that laugh too loudly and talk at the top of their voices all the way through dinner?"

For me personally:
- I like taking my kids to a range of cafes/restaurants .. not just the officially child-friendly as it is important they learn how to behave in a "grown up" environment. Having said that I mostly go to child-friendly places because it makes my life easier and therefore we all have a much better time.
- A surcharge for my kids - that is just ridiculous!
- Banning Kids - I can't believe I am going to say this but I think if that is what fits with the restaurants values and business then they should do it. If they believe it will make their "preferred" customers happier and therefore they will make more money - so be it. Of course, I will feel put out and offended ... but hey, if we are really not going to be welcomed with kids surely it is much better to just have that out in the open so I can go elsewhere
- What behaviour is unacceptable from my children in a cafe ? well, the same behaviours I would find unacceptable at home. Tantrums, hitting siblings (or other kids), throwing food/plates etc on the floor intentionally, screaming ... If my kids behave like this in a cafe (which would be very rare) we would either leave or at least have some "timeout" outside. If my kids are just being kids, happy, bit noisy, bit messy, but generally well behaved ... I ignore the occasional dirty look I might get from someone who was hoping to read the paper in total tranquility.
What do you think? Should a restaurant be allowed to ban children? What boundaries do you have with your kids about behaviour in a cafe?
Child-Friendly Businesses … who does it best …Sydney or Melbourne? by Linda Anderson
in Child Friendly Experiences, Travel with Kids, A Mum's View
23 Nov 2011 | 0 Comments

I have 2 beautiful daughters – one born in Sydney (now 3.5 years old) and one born in Melbourne (turning 1 next week). Grandparents other immediate family are spread across the country and in fact across the world so anywhere I go my kids go too. If I need to do something for myself … get a haircut, have coffee with a girlfriend or even make an emergency appointment at the physio … at least one of my kids come too!

Having lived in both Sydney and Melbourne recently with small children I figure this leaves me in a pretty good position to have a view on which city provides the most child-friendly businesses!

For me, child-friendly starts with a good customer service attitude but it has to be much more than that. I want a business to go out of their way to make it easier for me to bring my children with me for example a box of toys, a high chair or some crayons and paper.

Child-Friendly cafes are the most frequently sought business in my life and I have to say Melbourne wins hands down as being most child-friendly for eating out in my book. I have been so impressed by how many cafes go to the effort to be child-friendly in Melbourne. Anytime I went exploring a new suburb I was guaranteed to have a choice of child-friendly eating options. After to returning to live in Sydney a week ago we went down to our local cafe strip. We live in a very family orientated suburb so I was amazed that we had to go to 4 cafes to simply find a highchair!!! This would never have happened where we lived in Melbourne. It is clear that Melbourne’s reputation for great food and coffee is something Mums and their kids can enjoy too.

Sydney, however, gets the thumbs up for Mums & Bubs fitness. My second child was born a few months after we moved to Melbourne. We moved to a beautiful bayside suburb filled with young families so I was surprised at how difficult it was to find Mums & Bubs fitness groups in my area. Not being a fan of going to the gym (which often have crèche facilities) meant my postnatal exercise options were very limited. In Sydney I was spoilt for choice when I had my first baby.

So which city would I say is most child-friendly? I am going to sit on the fence here (sorry!) … both cities have some wonderful child-friendly businesses available for Mums to ensure you can still look after your needs even if you need to take your children with you. I really enjoyed our time in Melbourne and feel very grateful for how child-friendly it was but I am also very happy to be back to Sydney and look forward to reconnecting with all the child-friendly businesses here.

Linda x
Is that my child? by Linda Anderson
in A Mum's View
10 Oct 2011 | 7 Comments

Last Thursday I collected my girls from childcare and as I walked down the corridor listening to my 3 year old chatter about her day something caught my eye. From the corner of my eye I glimpsed something that made me look twice. Staring me in the face was an A4 flyer advertising a new Mums & Bubs Fitness group starting at a community organisation several suburbs away ... and there was a photo of Hannah and I taken when she was a baby!

WHAT THE ...????

Who were these people, why did they have a photo of my child and how on earth could they think it was OK to use it??

I realised that I had used the photo with a blog post here on Mums on the Go some time ago ... so had they pinched it from the website against copyright or somehow had they got it from the professional photographer in Sydney that took the photo for us in the first place?

That evening I spent a lot of time and energy playing out in my mind the phonecall I would make in the morning ... I even researched lawyers in the local area that dealt with copyright issues. I felt like a mother lion protecting her cub ... I was so angry at the use of this image without my consent.

First thing the next morning I phoned the number on the flyer and asked to speak with the person in charge. I explained the reason for my call and asked where had they got the image from?
It turns out they had found the image on Google Images after conducting search for "Mums and Baby Fitness" ... Google searches images on the web in the same way they search text content. This person didn't realise that finding an image on Google does not actually give you the right to use it ... I wondered how many other people in business think the same?

I am pleased to say they acted quickly to:
a) apologise
b) retrieve any flyers already distributed and destroy the remainder
c) remove the image from their website

When you think about it ... what were the chances of a random company in Melbourne searching Google (master of the Universe) for an image, selecting one of my child, then putting up that flyer in the very childcare centre my daughter now attends? Pretty tiny I reckon ... so how many other times could photos found of my children online be potentially used in situations I would never stumble across?

How many times could your child's photo be used without you knowing?

I feel quite disturbed by this thought ... what about you?

Linda x
Are you pregnant or just fat? by Linda Anderson
in A Mum's View
19 Sep 2011 | 0 Comments

About 10 years ago, long before I had children, I stopped to buy my morning coffee on the way to work. I stopped at the same cafe as every other day and was greeted by the same woman as every other day.

On this particular morning she rushed up to me and said "Oh my goodness ... congratulations ... when are you due?"

SILENCE

"I'm not pregnant, just apparently looking fat" I said with a stony face. This woman looked like she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her and I never bought my coffee there again.

I have never forgotten how I felt that morning and would hate to make anyone else feel like that. So for the past few weeks when I drop my daughter of to daycare and see her favourite teacher I think "Are you pregnant ... or just fat?". I am starting to feel sure she is pregnant but not sure enough to open my mouth and ask. I feel self concious as I try to glance at her stomach discreetly to assess if the "bump" is a bump or just the result of some extra comfort food over winter.

Have you ever been in this situation? Did you risk putting your foot in it or just watch and wait?

Linda x
Child-Friendly customer service - is it that hard? by Linda Anderson
in Child Friendly Experiences, A Mum's View
16 Sep 2011 | 0 Comments

My graphic designer, Bronwyn, moved to Melbourne a few weeks ago so I was really looking forward to meeting her for coffee today. I knew I needed to juggle my 9 month olds sleep time and availability of Bronwyn so I decided to choose a child-friendly cafe a few blocks from my house ... it is beautiful and is located in a really nice boutique garden centre. The only problem is I have actively boycotted going here for a whole year ... ever since this incident over a vegemite sandwich.

The sun is shining today in Melbourne so I knew it was going to be really lovely to sit outside, sip my coffee, and have a great catchup. I arrived first and went inside as they have a sign saying "please wait to be seated" - with a baby on one hip and a bag full of baby lunch stuff, change of clothes, nappies ... you know the drill. I asked for "a table for 2, outside in the shade, with room for a highchair". The waitress told me there were plenty of table available and I could find the highchairs tucked in the corridor outside the toilets ... and off she went.

Seriously?! I am on my own already juggling bag and baby and you want ME to go and get the highchair?? Apparently yes.

I went and found a table outside and put the bag down. I then went inside, with my baby, to find the highchairs. I then carried highchair in one hand through the cafe with baby on my hip held with the other hand (hoping she was not in the mood today for suddenly launching herself backward ... a game she seems to find amusing). As I balanced baby and highchair a waiter walked past me and smiled politely ... I looked back at him and thought to myself "Don't smile at me ... offer to bloody help me!"

Are my expectations really so high? Surely child-friendly customer service can't be that hard ... can it?

I had a wonderful catchup, in the sunshine, with a wonderful person and a wonderful baby ... but I won't be going back to this cafe again any time soon.

Linda x
Parents with Pram Parking Space - BYO KIds by Linda Anderson
in Child Friendly Experiences, A Mum's View
19 Aug 2011 | 10 Comments

I remember after the birth of my first child how joyed I was to discover the existence of "Parents with Prams" parking spaces at major shopping centres and selected supermarkets. Not only did they allow me to park close to the shops but also prevented me driving endlessly in circles looking for a parking spot with a screaming baby in the backseat.

Now with a baby & 3 year old in tow these parking spaces are even more important in my world. They really do make the juggle of kids and shopping bags/trolley manageable.

So one of my pet hates in life are people who use these parking spots who don't have any children with them!!! They seem to fall into a 3 categories:

1. The person who has car seats in the back seat but no actual children with them. Sorry ... but you actually need kids with you to park here!!

2. The person who has children with them but all over the age of 10. Sorry ... kids over 10 don't count as "Parents with Prams"

3. The person who doesn't want to get wet in the rain, has no kids AND no car seats in the car ... oh, and they take the last Parent with Pram parking spot at my local supermarket. Of course, I pull up behind them with 2 children in the car ... in the rain ... but have to park much further away

I would like to see the government introduce a kind of "Citizens Arrest" for people who abuse the use of these parking spots. Perhaps an automatic fine, or even better ... community service whereby you have to come and baby-sit my kids for a total 10 hours if I catch you parking in these spots without "BYO Kids"
Is my butt crack showing? by Linda Anderson
in A Mum's View
18 Jul 2011 | 2 Comments

This morning I took my girls to a kids concert held at the local Town Hall. We arrived just a few minutes before it started so most Mums & Kids were already seated on the floor. We found a spare piece of floor towards to back and sat down ... then my eyes were drawn to the Mum sitting in front of us ... actually my eyes were drawn to her butt crack ... a lot of in fact!

As I sat there feeling slightly uncomfortable about just how much of this woman's bum I could see I wondered about the social etiquette of mentioning this to her ... or not?

You see I have no problem at all mentioning to a stranger spinach between the teeth, an open button on a blouse exposing a bra, a fly undone or baby puke on the back of a jacket ... but the revealing of butt crack??

I wondered if this woman had any idea how much of her bum I could see?

If she didn't know how would she feel about it if she found out? Would it be better to tell her so she could "cover up" but probably feeling most embarrassed or leave her in blissful ignorance?

If she did know ... then what's that about? Am I the only person who doesn't want to show my bum to the world or see everyone else's? (having said that I am quite sure on occasion I have unwittingly exposed more bum than was desired)

I always try to treat others in life the way that I hoped to be treated ... so if I was exposing that much butt crack in a very public place would I want someone to tell me?

well, yes and no ... I think I would want a friend to tell me but not a stranger. I think I would prefer to live in blissful butt crack ignorance rather than feel the embarrassment of being told by a stranger I had shown them more than they needed to see!

And so as the stage lights went on, and the music began I lifted my gaze to the performer and got on with the show.

Linda x

ps. I made sure I wore a belt today so I know I wasn't flashing my bum at the Mum behind me - LOL
Is Mother Guilt a Social Taboo? by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View
11 Jul 2011 | 3 Comments
Mother Guilt.

Do you have it? Do you talk openly about the fact that you have it?

Recently there has been a lot of media coverage after one of Australia's most high-profile magazine editors, marie claire's Jackie Frank broke down on her new TV show, sharing her personal difficulties with the juggling act.

In a recent newspaper article about Mother Guilt I was appalled to read online comments such as:
- "who cares.....they decided to have kids, their problem. STOP YOUR WHINGING"
- "No one is forcing women to have children, then to dump them into childcare. 5 children and complaining, why have them if you have no intention of nurturing and loving them."
- "Oh boo hoo. Choices, you made them, you live with them."
- "You can tell my kids are home-raised because they are skinny unlike the childcare cage-raised and junk-food fed kids."
Why is it so bloody hard to empathise and respect the choices that mothers/families make about whether to work or not?

My husband gets "Daddy guilt" sometimes when he is travelling interstate for work and our toddler is crying on the phone because she is missing him ... but when he talks to his mates about finding the work travel tough because he hates being away from us nobody turns around and says "you chose to have kids ... stop whinging"!!

There must be mothers I know who experience Mother Guilt around the juggle of work and parenting BUT when I stop to think about it I actually don't know anyone who talks openly about their personal experience. Why? perhaps because Mothers fear being on the receiving end of harsh judgement and criticism like the above comments!

So is Mother Guilt a social taboo ... something we know exists but would prefer not to talk about?

Linda x
Push Presents - have they become the norm? by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
23 Jun 2011 | 3 Comments

I was suckered (as in I really should have been doing something else in that moment) into read this article yesterday about "Push Presents" ... receiving a gift (often jewellery) from your husband when you give birth.

When I had my first child I had never even heard the term "push present" so I didn't even have to consider would I want one or not, did I agree with the concept or not. My younger sister who had her first child 6 months later introduced me to the term when she told me ahead of time what she had asked her husband to buy. At that point in time I really didn't like the idea ... but then I am also the kind of girl that didn't want a baby shower ... just not my thing.

However, my Mum gave me a beautiful single pearl necklace as a gift when my first baby was born. It was really touching to have my Mum acknowledge me for becoming a Mum myself. This necklace is called "Hannah's Pearl" and I plan to give it to my daughter at some point in the future ... perhaps her 21st? I love that whenever I wear it I automatically think about her and how special she is.

So when my second baby was due to be born last year I told my husband I loved having Hannah's Pearl so much that I asked if he would get something to mark the occasion of baby #2 ... continue the tradition. My husband thought that was a lovely idea BUT then managed to totally forget we had ever had the conversation! So about a month after Maddison was born my birthday was approaching and I suggested we go shopping for an antique ring that would be part birthday present and part Maddison's birth ring that will one day become hers to own ... again her 21st a likely candidate.

Now although I have items of jewelry that relate to the arrival of my children I do not feel they are "push presents" ... I don't feel they are my personal 'reward' for giving birth or something I was entitled to because I had a baby. But perhaps they are ...

So now I am intrigued ... are push presents the norm and I am just a bit behind the times?

What do YOU think?

Did you get one?

Did you want one?

Regardless, I think most women don't receive enough "nice" gifts in life so if having baby makes that happen well who I am to turn my nose up at that idea!

Linda x
Judgement Day by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
11 Apr 2011 | 2 Comments

Over the past week there has been a lot of media and online (blogs, facebook etc) comment on the very public criticism of Australian radio presenter, Jackie O, for feeding her baby whilst crossing the road.
This story has sparked outrage from mothers across the country who have found the criticism to be ludicrous ... and I must say I agree.

However, what I am more fascinated by is not the "right and wrong" of the comments made on both sides of the story but by why mothers judge other mothers and why we are so deeply affected if we are on the receiving end.

Being a mother is one of the most important things we will ever take part in during our lifetime yet we don't study it at school or go on a training program before we "get the job". We form impressions and expectations of "the job" from our own family experiences and from those around us and set out wanting to be the best Mum we can be.

Then we are thrown into the deep end, without instructions, with conflicting messages about what to do and not to do, and worry about whether we are getting it "right". I know many of my parenting choices are not preplanned, they occur organically growing from whatever situation I am presented with in that moment. I may have had some ideas prior to that moment but they don't always stick when the time comes. I often feel like I am fumbling and bumbling along the way.

Every mother I know makes choices about parenting that she believes will be good for her children based on whatever information is at hand in that moment. Just because her choices may be different to mine does not make them right or wrong, better or worse ... just different.

I remember a few months ago, just after the birth of my second child, being in a shopping centre with my girls. My toddler, who was going through some big adjustments with the arrival of her baby sister, had a HUGE tantrum in the middle of a department store over something very small. A sign to me that she was feeling overwhelmed. My personal choice was to let her rant and rave until she felt better - so I calmly told her when she had finished crying she could get up and have a cuddle and then we would finish our job. Another Mother walked by and looked at my daughter before saying "you wouldnt get away with that behaviour at my house lovey". Judgement, Judgement, Judgement ...

When I reflect on that moment I wonder why she felt the need to pass judgement and publicly?
Did she need to feel "right" and validated for the choices she makes when her children have tantrums? Why is it so hard to accept that we all make different choices and that perhaps empathy would be a more appropriate thing to share.
On a different day I may have been upset by the exchange, I might have doubted my parenting choice and wondered if I was doing a good enough job. I think I was too sleep deprived that day to care ...

I wonder what would happen if for the next month every mother on the planet refrained from judgement and instead practiced empathy and acceptance instead? If I could wave my magic wand I would make that happen.

Remember, very few parenting choices are actually right OR wrong ... they are just choices.

Linda x
The burnt chop syndrome by Mums on the Go
in Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View, The Mums on the Go Journey
12 Dec 2010 | 2 Comments

Tis the time of year for a bit of introspection....

Linda and I would like to thank you for being part of the Mums on the Go Community.

It has been a year of great change and challenge.

We've seen our idea become a reality, and although that reality has had its bumps along the way, what keeps us going is that we are trying to make a positive difference in Mums lives.

Our very strong belief is that us Mums neglect our needs needlessly. We matyr ourselves thinking we are doing our family a favour. But are we doing the right thing by them?

One of our resident Clinical Psychologists, Dr Cal Paterson wrote on his blog this week about the "burnt chop syndrome". Basically, the theory goes that Mum, after slaving over cooking the dinner passes out the best part of the dinner to Dad and the kids and leaves herself the burnt chop.

We do this because we think we should be putting ourselves last.

But have you ever stopped to think about what this is engendering in your kids? The impact this behaviour is having on them - seeing and being part of you putting yourself last?

It is the beginnings of guilt. They feel guilty about getting the good stuff while you have slaved over dinner and then give yourself the dregs.

The solution?

A roster system

So, next time you feel "guilty" about wanting to spend some time on yourself, think about how long it has been since it was 'your turn'. Your kids and husband will thank you.

This will be the penultimate blog of the year, I will take some much needed time out for a week or two over Christmas and New year and try to recharge the creative juices. After next week's final blog (19th Dec) I will break for 2 weeks and then post again on 9 January 2011.

Again thanks to all of you who read our blog and visit the website. It would be very lonely without you !!!!

Lots of love Calli and Linda xxxx
The fear-factory of motherhood by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View, Relationships
5 Dec 2010 | 2 Comments

Four years ago today, at 35 weeks gestation, we were told by a very nice and gentle obstetrician, whom I had never met before, that our baby needed to come out into the world within the next 48 hours.

He thought the baby had shrunk over preceding two weeks. He diagnosed inter-uterine growth retardation and raised the possibility that our baby may have intellectual disabilities, because it hadn't been receiving enough nutrients to grow. The 18 week ultrasound picked up a problem, but my G.P didn't read the report, nor did he send it onto midwives at the birth centre, even though they had rung him several times and asked for all the paper work.

***

I've not really had much to do with kids before I had my own.

I'm an only child, and my mother is not what you would describe as 'child-friendly'.

Around the age of 20, I was diagnosed as having endometriosis and warned that conceiving could be difficult, if not impossible. So I planned a glittering career so I didn't have to try and fail.

I was so cut off from the whole 'mothering' instinct that I wasn't even interested in my closest friends children when they were born. I don't think I even held any of them. And if I did, it was because I felt obliged to.

***

"I dont think I can love a child with a disability"

That is all I could think.

Again and again.

And all I could feel was ashamed.

I knew it was wrong, but I was imagining how embarrassing it would be to explain to everyone, for the rest of my child's life, what kind of disability my child had. How I would always feel on the outer, different from all the perfect families around me.

Now I have kids I know that of course I would have loved my child if she had had a disability. I now understand the power of a mother's love. The unbreakable force. The all-encompassing all- consuming love a mother has for her child.

When Zali was born and whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care, it was a terrifying. She seemed so frail, yet was in a much better position than all the tiny bubs in the beeping electrified cribs around her. I knew how fortunate we were.

This was my introduction to motherhood.

And no-one, not even me, stopped to think about the repercussions this introduction would have on me.

Everyone was focussed on her. On how she looked (like an alien!) On how small she was. On how scared they felt when they saw her in the humidicrib.

But no-one turned to me and said 'wow, this must be scary for you.'

Until this morning.

Four years later, one of my favourite mummy friends commented that it must have been a terrifying experience. She said it was scary enough to have a perfectly healthy baby from a text-book standard pregnancy.

She's right.

If it had been my second child, I think I would have been much more secure in the whole love-conquers-all. Well, at least I would like to think that.

There are so many pithy one-liners about how kids don't come with an instruction manual. But not enough of us stop to think, really think, about what this actually means to a first time Mum. How scary it is when your child cries and you cant seem to sooth them. About the confusion you feel when they just won't sleep when and where you want them to. About how your body is not your own anymore. And then when it is, it droops and sags in places that it didn't before kids.

But four years and two gorgeous girls down the track, I can see the light. And I can offer myself support and comfort.

If you are feeling doubt, or fear about motherhood......You are normal.

And you are not alone.

Love Calli xxx
Do you value your child care worker? by Mums on the Go
in A Mum's View, Working Mums
28 Nov 2010 | 0 Comments

The vast majority of us, at some point, have had our children in some form of child care - wether it is the odd couple of hours at the occasional care, a couple of days in family day care or a full week in long day care centre (or a mix of these)

I am in awe at the amazing job our Rosetta does at family day care and Maria, Melynda et al do at our occasional care. They attend to the needs of each child with love and patience. Because of this, I can leave our precious daughters with them so I can work on Mums on the Go. I am so grateful to them as I have no angst about them being in care.

It wasn't until I joined the committee of our occasional care that I was made aware of how much these wonderful (mostly) women are paid.

Have you ever stopped to think about what the workers in your center are being paid?

Not very much.

Most child care workers are paid between $18.00 per hour and $25.00 per hour. And remember, this is not to look after 1 child, it is probably 3-4 children (depending on their age.)

I am flabbergasted at how low child care workers are paid considering what they have to do. They are not standing on a factory line putting tops on bottles. They are putting their heart and soul into their job. They are being a parent figure in our absence. They are modelling caring behaviours, and monitoring children's emotions and behaviour.

This is vitally important work, and should be recognised with adequate remuneration.

In March 2010, unions representing social and community sector and disability workers lodged an application for an equal remuneration order with Fair Work Australia.

Why have they done this?

Because many women are still paid less than men for doing the same job, or work of equal value.

I have pulled some info from http://www.actu.org.au/public/library/equalpay.html so you can understand why this test case is so important.

Lack of overawards:

Women are less likely to receive overaward payments than men. Currently, women only receive around 54% of the overaward payments of men.

Overaward payments have often been achieved through industrial militancy or skill shortages in traditionally male-dominated, and highly unionised industries.

overtime

More men than women work overtime, due to women being predominantly located in low overtime sectors, and because women traditionally assume a greater share on average of domestic responsibilities.

Though overtime is increasing for women, much of this is unpaid.

Gender segmentation

Gender segmentation of the labour market is greater in Australia than other OECD countries.

This means that women’s employment is concentrated in a much smaller number of occupations and industries than men.

This segmentation leads to assumptions about the types of work that women do, and effects their ability to unionise and access higher pay and improved conditions of employment.

Comparable worth

Some female dominated occupations and skills have been traditionally undervalued. For example, child care workers are generally low paid, despite their degree of skill and responsibility.

For more info, visit http://www.actu.org.au/public/library/equalpay.html

What you can do:

Send an email to your local federal Member of Parliament (especially if the are a member of the ALP) and urge them to support the test case. (Julia Gillard recently backflipped on her support, even though Tony Abbott went to the election promising to lift wages.)

An email doesn't take very long to write, but I'm sure if you cc'd it to your local child care centre, their hearts would sing knowing you have lobbied on their behalf.

Have a great week,

Love Calli xxx
mother guilt - a hard habit to break by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, A Mum's View, Relationships
21 Nov 2010 | 2 Comments

Something really amazing happened to me on Friday night. I apologised to my husband for asking him to do something that I defined as being part of "my job" .

He turned to me and said "Why are you apologising?"

You know the stupid thing was that I actually had to THINK about why - it just felt like because he was doing something that I thought I was 100% responsible for, I needed to apologise.

So I thought about it, and realised:

It was because I felt incredibly guilty about asking him to do something for me.

I felt like I was asking a huge favour.

Isn't that crazy????

I never grumble if he asks me to do something out of the ordinary for him, so why should I feel like it was such a huge imposition?

Today we had a play date with some friends down the road. The Mum spent last saturday night with her girlfriend in a hotel - cocktails by the pool, massage in the afternoon, dinner in a dress, (at a table that had no melamine crockery) and then she slept in a bed, (with no children in it) until 8am the next morning!

She simultaneously relished the experience, and felt guilty......a little about being away from the kids, a little more about the cost, and the guilt-kicker was leaving her husband to be the solo parent for the night.

And the craziest thing about her guilt is that her husband does a lot of over-seas travel for his work. It is common for him to be away at least one week every month.....and she was feeling guilty about one night!!!!

It reminded me about the blog Linda wrote about asking for help, and it also made me think about how us Mums, (and in particular working Mums) are the largest and fastest growing economy in the world....and how we are NOT flexing our power. We are too busy apologising for not having a clone.

What do you apologise of feel unnecessarily guilty about? I'd love to know....
SHHHHH … someone might hear you … by Linda Anderson
in Post Natal Depression, A Mum's View
11 Oct 2010 | 2 Comments

I am really happy that here at Mums on the Go we are spending a month exploring, talking about and deepening our understanding on Post Natal Depression.

I consider myself to be truly fortunate not to have experienced PND but as the due date of baby #2 approaches I am acutely aware that it is still a possibility. On a personal level I am absorbing all the articles, blogs, stories shared on facebook so that should I experience PND this time around I will know there is support available, that I am not alone and that it is not my fault. Touch wood … I won’t need any of this …

Since we embarked on sourcing articles and resources for this special feature topic the one thing that has deeply resonated with me is the impression that PND is something that people don’t talk about openly … it is uncomfortable so we keep quiet as a society.

In her very personal blog post last week Calli wrote “I feel ashamed writing this.” – she showed great courage sharing her story with you, to share the things that she would otherwise keep to herself like so many other women are doing.

Several years ago my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage a few days short of my 12 week scan. I was devastated and initially felt desperately alone as my friendship group was having a baby boom … healthy baby and announcements of pregnancy were in abundance. Nobody I knew had had a miscarriage … or at least that’s what I thought. We had excitedly announced our pregnancy to the entire world so then needed to tell the whole world that it had ended … the blessing in this was that suddenly I discovered how many people we knew had experienced miscarriages … even my own mother. I wondered why nobody had ever talked about this … why did I have to become part of “the club” to be let in on the secret?

Since that time in my life I have held a strong personal commitment not to shy away from uncomfortable conversation with other people and especially other mothers. Miscarriage, PND, troubles conceiving, loss of child, relationship or parenting difficulties … we shouldn’t have to be part of “a club” to be willing to talk about it and support others.

Recently I met a Mum in the local park … she had a child the same age as my daughter and appeared to be at roughly the same stage of a pregnancy as me … we struck up a conversation whilst pushing the swings. We discovered that both of our children had spent a number of weeks in special care units having arrived 6-8 weeks early and asked each other questions about how this came to be and our experiences. She shared with me that she had actually been carrying twins and one twin died prompting an emergency caesarean … talk about a confronting playground conversation!

Staying true to my conviction to have open conversations around uncomfortable topics I didn’t change the topic. I asked her questions about how she handled the grief of losing a child whilst simultaneously celebrating the life of the other and managing the challenges (emotional and logistical) of having a baby in special care. We talked about what support she had back then, and how this experience affected her now she was expecting another baby and much more.

I have no idea what impact our conversation had on her ... it certainly had a deep impact on me. If nothing else I hope she felt that someone had listened, had heard her fears, and understood on a certain level what she had gone through … I hope she felt she was not alone.

It is really important for us to share our stories, and listen to other stories and not feel we have to hide our stories … but the ownership for this actually has to start from within. As individuals we need to start being more honest with each about our experiences, be more willing to have confronting and uncomfortable conversations because only then can we break down the feeling that some things are taboo. At least that is what I believe … I would love to hear what you feel/think about this …

Linda x
Child-Friendly ... sometimes the little things mean the most by Linda Anderson
in Child Friendly Experiences, A Mum's View
20 Sep 2010 | 0 Comments

I have been in Melbourne for 2 months now ... how time flies! I have been really enjoying exploring the suburbs around where I live and discovering child-friendly businesses ... especially child-friendly cafes. Obviously I have a strong personal need to go out exploring right now but I love knowing that by doing so I am making a start on a Melbourne Directory for Mums on the Go which we want to launch next year.

Recently I had an experience at a cafe that really brought home to me how important the little things are when creating a great child-friendly experience. I had taken my 2 year old to this cafe several times when we first moved to Melbourne as it was right next door to our temporary accommodation. The cafe ticked the Mums on the Go child-friendly criteria by having high-chairs, baby change table and nice kids menu but what really won me over as a Mum was their happiness to make a plain Vegemite sandwich on request ... cut into triangles.

It meant I could go in for lunch/coffee and knew my daughter would eat lunch without needing to take a punt on an item from the kids menu. It made my life easy which I really value.
After several delightful visits to this cafe I sat down at my computer and write a really lovely listing for the cafe to be added to our Melbourne Directory ... making special comment about the lovely staff and their willingness to make a Vegemite sandwich for a fussy toddler.

Only days later we went to this cafe on a weekend with my husband for an early lunch and coffee ... and promised babyccino outing. When the waitress, who had served me frequently, took our order she took a deep breath when I requested a Vegemite sandwich.
"I'm not sure I can do a Vegemite sandwhich for you today" she said ... note a bemused and confused look from me. "I could make them the other days you asked because you were here at times my boss wasn't. My boss has a very strict rule about not making anything that does not appear on the menu. Sorry ... I will ask though".
She returned to our table a minute later having received a terse reply from the manager to confirm there would be no Vegemite sandwich that day.

I looked more closely at the menu and noticed that "toast" was a menu item and "Vegemite" was an option for the spread. Funnily enough this requires the same ingredients as a Vegemite sandwich and more effort as you actually have to toast the bread! When I mentioned this the waitress simply lowered her head and said she understood but still could not bring me a sandwich. So we ordered toast ...
Unfortunately the toast came with cute side dishes of butter and Vegemite which meant my daughter was only interested in the idea of trying spread the toast all by herself. A lot of mess was made and absolutely no toast actually consumed.

In hindsight I wish we had refused to order at all to express our unhappiness with the "no Vegemite sandwich" rule ... but it was raining outside and I didn't want to create tears by breaking my babyccino promise to my daughter. I have vowed to never eat at this cafe again but of course they don't know this.
Naturally I have changed the content of the listing but as this cafe ticks other boxes it will still be listed ... even though I would secretly like to delete it!

I hope that through sites like Mums on the Go and the willingness of parents to stand up and know they have are an ever expanding and profitable market that businesses will take a moment to think a little more about the small details. I am sure the manager of this cafe has no idea what a huge different a simple Vegemite sandwich had in my world and my willingness to return many times to her cafe ...

What are the small details that make a difference for you when you visit a child-friendly business?

Linda x
Mum-power... use it or lose it? by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
13 Sep 2010 | 0 Comments

Last weekend, we were thrilled to receive so many emails from our community alerting us to the Sydney Morning Herald's 'review' of a number of child friendly cafes/pubs/restaurants.

Thanks so much to every single one of you who sent us an email - we had missed it, and a couple of the businesses reveiwed weren't in our directory.

During the same week, I wrote an article about Elizabeth Farrelly's definition of motherhood balance - guilty if you do, guilty, if you dont. Her piece was inspired by a new book that documents working mothers are the largest and fastest growing segment of the economy - both in the workforce and their consumer spending.

Did you digest that?

Largest and fastest growing.

In the world.

Yes, that means bigger than China's ecomony.

And smart businesses are taking notice and providing elements to make our lives easier. (And our directory makes it easier for you to find each other!)

So why am i writing this?

Because I know many of you are struggling. Motherhood isn't what you antipicated it to be.

I for one didnt have the forethought to realise I would drown in laundry every week, that the loss of independence and identity would be felt so keenly. The New York times article has started a meme across Amercia - "I love my kids but I hate my life." Now that might be a bit strong for you (it is for me), but I'm sure every single one of us at least once has thought "This isnt what I thought I signed up for."

As we are all individuals, we all have our individual battles. Many of my close friends wrestle with cooking dinner every night. That's not an issue for me, but I can understand the sense of burden (and boredom). For me it is the laundry (you probably knew that already!!!)

I was pleasantly surprised to read a fantastic article in the Sunday Magazine by Katherine Chatfield dealing with these issues in a sensitive, compassionate, non-judghemental and most importantly - non-divisive way. Three cheers for Katherine. I'm personally sick and tired of articles wedging us mothers apart. Here is a PDF of the article Katherine kindly sent us (i strongly recommend reading it)

Parenting.pdf

For those of you who dont really relate to my rantings, and immerse yourself in domesticity with adandon and relish, I am really happy for you. You are very fortunate indeed. Can you let me in on the secret?

But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is we have power. It might not feel like it when we are grappling with sick children and feeling guilty at leaving work early for the third time in two weeks, but busiensses, marketers and researchers are calculating our worth.

However, I'm wondering if we really understand our importance and economic worth? My gut feeling is that we as a collective are so caught up in the juggling act of day to day living and worry about what we are neglecting, that we are not standing up and flexing our economic and workforce muscle.

I know making a stand or asking for help is difficult. Especially if others are inconvenienced. But in avoiding these situations are you honestly valuing your worth?

My great concern is that if we don't start using this power, we will be the ultimate losers. A kind of use it or lose it scenario.

Do you feel you understand and capitalise on your individual power?

Calli x
Wanting it all - a simple equation? by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
30 Aug 2010 | 0 Comments

It's been bothering me for a while, but I just wasn't sure what it was. All I knew was that it didn't feel right.

Every time I heard a woman from an older generation say "You young women, you just want it all - the big house (with corresponding big mortgage), the fancy cars, the hot shot careers. In my day, we were happy to settle for hand- me- downs and second hand goods. But not you."

Until recently I thought they had a point - we do have more things - gagets, cars, modern conveniences, time saving devices. Many more Mums than ever before are juggling work/career as well as raising their kids, and many cite the need to pay off the mortgage as a reason for working.

But now I'm not so sure that it is a simple equation of wanting more "stuff" = more Mums in the workplace.

I actually think it is because they, who are now deriding us for how we live, expected more from us than they did from themselves. And that is why the comment bothers me. They act as if it has come as a complete surprise - and borders on being reproachful.

Many women in our parent's generation left school, found work in retail/secretarial, were married by 20, had children quickly and never returned to the work force in any meaningful capacity. The vast majority certainly didn't have "careers" as such - with the exception of school teachers and nurses.

But growing up, I felt that the girls at the co-ed public school I attended were expected to go to Uni every bit as much as the boys - and perversely, perhaps had a greater expectation to do so, as many of the boys were presumed to get apprenticeships in the coal mines.

Then when I completed my HSC at boarding school, it would have been practically treasonous to opt out of a University degree.

Afterall, the catch cry when we were teenagers was "Girls can do anything". They WANTED us to have more opportunities than were available to them, so we could have interesting and varied working lives. And now they accuse us of "wanting it all?"

The expectation of careers is so entrenched that I think women who choose to stay at home after kids and not return to a "career" now have to justify their choice every bit as much as "career mums".

I'm not wanting to start inter-generational war. But I do think that many of us Mums who struggle to find the right path for us as individuals, and for our families, should respond politely to the the diatribe about us "wanting it all" by asking this simple question in response "didn't you expect me/your daughter to take up the opportunities the women's liberation movement worked so hard to achieve? How would you be feeling if we turned to you after your struggle and said "Thanks but No thanks". Pity the next women who makes this remark in my presence!

Can you relate to what I've just said, or was my middle class experience not as universal as I imagine? I'd love to know what you feel are the expectations placed upon you.

And, if this blog has stirred you to think more about your life as a mother and an individual, as we have been discussing recently in our thesis on parenting and happiness and the comparison between life as a Mum now and in the 1950s the Sydney Opera House is hosting an afternoon where Anne Manne, author and journalist will be discussing modern day motherhood.

Hope you have a great week,

Love Calli x
Do you ever judge other Mums? by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
9 Aug 2010 | 2 Comments

In the past week or so there has been a lot of discussion in the media, blogs, facebook and so on about perceptions of motherhood and judgments we make about it.
Calli wrote a fabulous blog last week talking about Mum-upmanship ... if you missed it I highly recommend reading it.

Do you ever judge other mums? I don't do it often but I would be lying if I said that I don't EVER pass judgement on another mum. I don't feel proud to say that but I am human and definitely not perfect.

One of the things I love about mums is how passionate we are about this role in our life and the choices we make. Unfortunately sometimes we are blinded the strength of how we feel about our own choices and beliefs and lose sight of the value in different choices for different mothers ... and that we need to maintain empathy and respect for mothers who take a different journey to us ... regardless of why.

I think it is really healthy to open up discussion between Mums about how we feel when we either make a judgement or feel we are being judged ... it is one of the things we feel strongly about facilitating here at Mums on the Go whether it be in blogs like this or our facebook page. The more we share the more we can understand and support the different experiences we all have as mothers and learn to let go of needing to be "right" when it comes to the choices we make.

As for me, the longer I have been a Mum the less I judge. The longer I have been a Mum the more I see how my words and actions impact the Mums that I connect to ... in part because I am so aware of how the words and action of others impact me. Having mindfulness at all times helps me to be open to all the views, experiences and choices that I encounter along the way and I celebrate how wonderful it is when Mums can find strength in supporting each other rather than strength in being "better" or "right" ...

Linda x
Mum-upmanship - perhaps Jacinta has done us all a favour? by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, A Mum's View
3 Aug 2010 | 4 Comments

Have you ever felt inadequate from a comment another mum has made about her child, or her mothering style?

Something along the lines of "My baby has slept through the night since she was 6 weeks old.... Yours doesn't? Have you got a routine?"

Or it could be something more prosaic like an inference "Wow, your baby is quite unsettled, I don't know if I could cope with a baby that cried so much."

There are so many facts and fallacies out there about motherhood and it is hard to distinguish them from each other - particularly when we all have so much ego invested.

Jacinta Tynan has - consciously or unconsciously made thousands of Mums feel inadequate since her article was published in the sun herald on Sunday.

According to her, being a Mum is a 'cinch" and she feels like many mums are just complete whingers.

The mummy blogosphere has been pretty caught up in the piece. Some of the comments, particularly from the mums on the go facebook page, have been really thoughtful and considered. I am so proud to be associated with a community that is so caring, compassionate and empathetic. Some, as you can expect have been vitriolic and personal. I dont think that is a reasonable way to deal with the issue. For the record, I am thrilled that Jacinta has had a smooth transition to motherhood. She is very fortunate, and I sincerely wish her continued bliss. However, I am disappointed that she has (intentionally or un-intentionally) trivialised the struggle that many women grapple with each and every day of being Mums. I believe she showed very little empathy or acknowledgement that mothering could be experienced differently to hers, and had a lack of compassion in the effect her comments would have on other mothers.

Jacinta is not alone in consciously or unconscioulsy making other mums feel inadequate. I think we have all come across a remark that has made us feel like we are deficient in some ways as mothers. (Perhaps even Jacinta?) I've coined a phrase for it - "Mum-upmanship" .

But I think Jacinta has done us all a favour by writing this piece - because it gives us an opportunity to analyse how it made us feel, and thereby give ourselves some skills at protecting ourselves in the future from feeling slighted by comments.

I interviewed the Mums on the Go resident Clinical Psychologist Dr Cal Paterson about how we can immunise ourselves from feeling hurt next time we are in a conversation with someone who is particpating in "Mum-upmanship"

q: what is mum-upmanship?

a: a mum (or dad) casually broadcasting in conversation, on facebook, or via some other medium, information about her or her kids that is consciously or unconsciously designed to position herself as superior to other mums.

q: what's wrong with it?

a: Being a mum is tough. Mums need other mums for support. Mums need to stick together and help each other out as best they can. Mum-upmanship is harmful to other mums because it takes someone who is already doing her best, and makes her feel that she's still not good enough. A mum who positions herself above other mums (even unintentionally) is playing an 'every-mum-for-herself' game that drives wedges between mums who should all be on the same team.

q: is it common?

a: That's hard to say. Most mums can recall at least one experience of mum-upmanship, either by another mum at mother's group, or (perhaps worst of all) by a mum from the generation above.

q: why does it happen?

a: I think it's like a chain reaction. One mum feels inadequate, perhaps after a snide remark from a mother-in-law, and then finds herself passing on the favour next time she's at mother's group. Perhaps it's also got something to do with isolation: mums who already feel they've no-one on their side might already feel resentful about other mums who seem more connected.

q: what can we do about it?

a: Well, first and foremost, two wrongs don't make a right. If you feel alone or resentful toward other mums, you're better off reaching out to them than you are trying to bring them down to size. Mums have to stick together, right? There's no shame in struggle, no matter what the tampon ads say. They should be able to share their struggles, rather than suffer in silence, or try to push other mums, the ones who are in the best position to empathise, away.

****

So our advice to mums out there: if you're feeling isolated, reach out. We want to hear from you. What's your view of mum-upmanship?

i look forward to your comments,

Love Callix
Would you be happier as a 1950's housewife? by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View
26 Jul 2010 | 2 Comments

This week I read this blog post suggesting that we would be happier if we lived in the 1950's ... really????

As Calli's recent blog exploring the links and contradictions between happiness and parenting prompted much comment and reflection from our community I was bemused and somewhat shocked by the idea that I might be happier as a 1950's housewife!

I don't believe in a second that a mum/housewife in the 1950's was any more/less happy that I am in 2010. If women were so incredibly happy about their role in society/family life in the 1950's why has so much evolved and changed since then?

Am I happy with the juggle of parenting, running 2 businesses, being a loving and supportive wife, trying to find time and energy for my own personal needs and interests? Mostly I am.
Am I happy every moment of every day juggling these things? Not at all!
Is it a challenge? Every day!
Would I choose for it to be different? No way! As challenging as this juggle is it is still something I choose. I am really blessed and proud that I can choose this.

I think one of the things that bothers me about the comparison is the suggestion that our happiness is totally driven by our external circumstances. On some levels it is but I know within myself that my experience of "happiness" is largely driven by my perspectives and personal state of being. How I choose to view my day, my circumstances, and my challenges influences how "happy" I actually feel ...

All of this is simply my view on the world and does not make it "right" ... just mine. So what about you? Would you rather be a 1950's housewife? Would you be happier?

Linda x
Julia Gillard - exposes cracks in the sisterhood by Mums on the Go
in A Mum's View, Women who Inspire
5 Jul 2010 | 0 Comments

Trail blazers seem to bring out the best and worst of us.

Julia Gillard has certainly done that - even before she became PM.

I think it is safe to say that having a female Prime Minister has been universally welcomed by the vast majority of rational Australians. After all, Margaret Thatcher, Helen Clark and Angela Merkel have proved the world is not going to end because the nation's leader has an additional "X" Chromosome.

The grumblings around Julia's ascension from the "left" of society are generally around the way she was elected to the job, and the conservatives just don't like her politics and policy decisions. fair enough on both accounts.

But what really distresses me is the very personal attacks that have come from FEMALES in relation to Julia and gender. Some of the truth bending has taken the gloss off this historic moment for me.

We brought to your attention Bettina Arndt's view that by being unmarried Julia will influence "other women into making big mistakes about their lives." I am personally insulted that a woman is asserting that some women are not capable of making decisions about their own life and life choices.

And then there are the viciously personal attacks on Julia.

Liberal MP, Sophie Mirabella once labelled Julia Gillard as a "man hater" in parliament because of her marital status.

Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop in parliament made a cat scratching gesture while being criticised by the PM for plagiarism.

We all know how demonised Senator Bill Heffernan was for his comments about the PM being "deliberately barren."

But where are the screaming headlines repudiating these comments by other females?

I am not advocating that because Julia is a woman we have to close ranks around her and pretend she is perfect.

But why not play fair? Why get all grubby and personal? I just don't understand it. Even if we disagree with her politics, or the way she rose to the position, as women, dont we owe it to ourselves and our gender to keep the criticisms above board? And I don't understand why those women who have done this aren't household names for their actions like Bill Heffernan.

Speaking of Senator Heffernan, last week our Poll gauged your opinions about motherhood and leadership roles. 60 per cent of you said that being a mother doesn' t necessarily stymie talent and ambition. Someone who is a living example of this is Anoubha Sahasrabuddhe. She is an amazing example of someone who has been promoted through the ranks of a huge multinational since becoming a mother. You can be inspired by her opinions about being a working mother in our articles section. The woman should be cloned. She is that incredible.

Hope you all have a great week,

Love Calli x

PS I am still LOVING hearing and reading the words "The Prime Minister says SHE is....."

Directory Members Search Widget

City

Location