Relationships

A Child-Free night away at Q Station by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, Relationships
26 Mar 2012 | 0 Comments
It has been 2 years since my husband and I have had a night away together and 2 years since I had 24 hours without a child in tow. For my wedding anniversary on the weekend I asked my Dad if he would come to Sydney and look after our girls overnight ... starting at 11am Saturday! He said yes :)

Needless to say it was amazing for my husband and I to have a whole 24 hours just to be together, do grown up things and operate on our timetable not the kids. Oh, and an unbroken night's sleep ... priceless!

How did we spend the 24 hours?
- early lunch in a Mosman cafe ... coffee was good but food average. A good way to start slowing down
- a gloriously sunny day was perfect for a stop at Little Manly beach. Discovered a child-friendly Kiosk there which I will add to the directory ... wished we had just come here for our lunch ... never mind. My husband went out for a paddle on his OC1 while I lay on the grass with the newspaper. When did I last get to read the Saturday paper? what a treat!
- The off to Q Station where I had booked us in for the night. It isn't cheap but room rates improve a few weeks out if you are willing to take a punt on availability and book at last minute.
- Our room turned out to have a lovely outlook through the trees, with glimpses of the harbour sparking in the sunlight. Interior of room was nicely done, my only complaint was the bed size, it was meant to be Queen size but looked like a Double (?) felt pretty squashy as we have a King Size at home and I currently have a whole lot of pillows in bed to make sleeping with a pregnant belly comfortable.
- Q Station is the old Quarantine Station in Sydney so we really enjoyed taking a walk around the site and exploring the old buildings. There is a lovely beach at the bottom of the hill which tempted me in for a swim (hubbies turn to read the paper on the beach). The water was so warm and clean, I wish I had packed my snorkel.
- After a lazy walk back up the hill it was time for a shower and a nap ... after all my day had begun at 4.30am thanks to my husband forgetting to put a nappy on Miss 3.5 the night before.
- Refreshed we set off down the hill (250 steps) to the Boilerhouse Restaurant for dinner. There is a shuttle bus that does loops of the site if you don't want to walk around. I just wore my thongs and changed into my heels at the bottom of the steps! We had booked a 6.30pm dinner so we could see the sunset and because I am so used to eating at 5pm I didn't think In would last longer than that - LOL. The food was lovely and service good. Such a treat to go out for a really nice meal together. (note: they had highchairs if you were ever going with kids)
- A slow walk back up the 250 steps in my thongs. There was a "rest seat" 2/3 of the way up ... perfect for the out of breath pregnant woman! We decided to stop by the Games Room at the top of the hill for a few games of Pool together. I don't think I have played for about 10 years so it was a lot of fun.
- Lights out by 10pm ... what party animals we are! When I woke in the morning the room was still very dark (thanks to thick curtains) but I could see a crack of sunlight peeping through. I turned on my phone to check the time (there was no clock in the room) and couldn't believe it was 8.45am!!! priceless
- Buffet breakfast, a bit more of an explore around the site and it was time to check out.
Would I recommend Q Station to others? Absolutely ... especially for special occasions. It was a great standard of food and accommodation, felt like we were a million miles away although we weren't and I really enjoyed the historical experience too.

How did our girls go with 24 hours without us? Well, we got LOTS of kisses and cuddles when we got home but they had a fantastic time with their grandpa so don't think they missed us that much at all :) Hopefully it won't be another 2 years before we get to do something like that again.

Linda x
Big Truck Day by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, Relationships
10 Nov 2011 | 0 Comments

For several days I have been preparing Miss 3 for "Big Truck Day" ... they day all her toys and books would be packed up into boxes to be sent back to our Sydney house.

And so here I am sitting on my bed, surrounded by boxes, doing some work while I listen to the sound of packing tape at the other end of the house. Even with all this packing activity it doesn't actually feel real ... I find it hard to imagine that this time next week I will be sleeping in my own home again. I wonder how long it will take for that to feel "normal", how long before it feels like we never actually left?

There are many things I will miss about Melbourne and I didn't make a very big dent in my list of things to do before we leave. We have made some wonderful friends here and have lots of happy memories. It will be nice to go home though. We were renovating our house for several years before we left ... I am talking BIG renovation mostly done by us. I know every wall, paint colour and floorboard in that house. My husband was literally finishing concreting at midnight the night before we left for Melbourne so we have never lived in the "finished" house. It will be lovely to go home and enjoy all our hard work, reacquaint Miss 3 to her Sydney house and of course bring an extra child home with us!

Our 24 month contract to live in Melbourne only turned out to be 16 months. I am still a little unsure how I feel about the whole adventure. I do know I am glad we came but I am also glad to be going home.

Linda x
R U OK? by Linda Anderson
in Post Natal Depression, Wellbeing for Mums, Relationships
15 Sep 2011 | 2 Comments

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK? Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love. One in five Australian adults will experience depression. It can occur without apparent cause and in people who have coped well with life’s ups and downs in the past.

Being a Mum brings us a huge spectrum of experiences and emotions. Huge love, frustrations, loneliness, joy, doubt, fun, boredom, overwhelm, fulfilment and so on. It is so important that we have people we can share openly with about how we are feeling … on the good days and the not good days.
Earlier in the year I was not OK but very few people around me realised because I am very good at acting OK. However, I know what a difference it would have made in my world if someone had popped in, or picked up the phone and just said “Are you OK … really OK?”

So please … today … pick up the phone or knock on the door or send an email to another Mum. Ask them “How are you today? How are you really today? R U OK” … it may mean more to them than you could ever imagine.

How are U today? R U OK?

Linda x
There's no place like home by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, The Mums on the Go Journey, Relationships
24 Aug 2011 | 3 Comments

I have been a little absent from facebook and blog posts in recent days while I to terms with the shock announcement that my family and I will be moving back to Sydney in mid-November.

We moved to Melbourne just over a year ago for a 2 year stint c/o my husbands work. It has been a pretty challenging time over the past 12 months I have given birth to my second child, unexpectedly become the sole "mum on the go" and struggled with PND. There have been may lovely things about being here though - the opportunity for my eldest to get to know her cousins, we have made some lovely new friends and managed to explore some lovely places beyond Melbourne.

Just 2 weeks ago my husband and I sat down over a glass of red wine and brainstormed all the lovely things we were going to do over summer before heading back to Sydney next May ... lots of time at the beach (which we can walk to), camping trips, more exploring outside Melbourne and so on. So this sudden change has left me feeling a little out of kilter. Funny that we have quite clearly been keen to return to Sydney at the end of the 2 year contract but now we are given the opportunity to head back early and I feel resistance.

Of course it will be lovely to return to Sydney, it is home for us and we have many wonderful friends there. However we won't be able to return to our actual home as we have tenants in it until April so we will need to rent elsewhere for 6 months and then move again. Sigh ...

I am unlikely to find childcare at the end of the year but I am secretly hoping some other family will get unexpected news about an interstate move and space will magically become available for my girls :) If not, I will just have to juggle for a while.

I feel sad for my 3 year old who has made some very special friends. I know everyone says to me "she's a child, she will adjust quickly". That may be true but I don't want to belittle the depth of connection she feels with a couple of very special people here. I know we were always going to leave next May anyway but somehow it feels unfair to deprive her of 6 months of time with these friends.

The next few months are going to be very busy. I am determined to still launch our child-friendly business directory for Melbourne sometime in October but I do need to be careful not run myself into the ground in the process. So I plan to start going to a group personal training session on Saturday mornings to give me a physical outlet for the crazy time ahead. I also commit to getting the kids down to the beach every sunny Melbourne day we have between now and November ... after all we did pick this house/Suburb so that we could enjoy this part of Melbourne!

What a funny old journey this thing called "life" is - LOL

Linda x
The Female Libido Fairy - fact or fiction? by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, Relationships
9 May 2011 | 7 Comments

A few weeks ago I read a column in the Sunday Magazine by Mia Freedman that really made me laugh ... the kind of warm laughter that showed I related to the article and at the same time appreciated the mild 'tongue in cheek' used. The title of this article was "The Female Libido Fairy" - you can read the full article online.

If you don't have time to read the article the short version is that it is a amusing article which uses the metaphor of fairies to describe the frailty of many women's libido.
"Female libido fairies however, can be fragile creatures. Really, they should live in a bubble. Possibly bubble wrap. Or at the very least, a carefully controlled ecosystem where they can be protected from the infinite number of seemingly innocuous things that can kill them"

" Generally, female libido fairies have little in common with male libido fairies. This is probably because male libido fairies are not fairies, they are warriors. Almighty superhero warriors, who wear full body armour, wield light sabres and have magic powers of resilience capable of withstanding virtually any threat. Fatigue, anger, weight gain, hangovers, heartbreak, homelessness, Ebola, low self-esteem…they are immune even to kryptonite and gastro. Stress? Illness? Solitary confinement? Pah. Male libido warriors laugh in the face of such assailants and flick them off like lint."

It reminded me of a blog Calli wrote last year where she shared:
"Calli Brown has realised her husband is so much more sexually attractive on the days he folds the washing, hangs clothes out on the line, un-stacks the dishwasher - using his own initiative!!!!"

As I sat with my Sunday morning coffee, with milk vomit drying on my shoulder,chuckling away I wondered if I should share this article with my husband. Would he appreciate the humour? Would he take on board any new understanding of how my libido operates differently to his? Would he understand it was just a conversation starter not a finger pointer?

I did share it with him ... and he loved it so much he asked for the online link to share with his friends! This funny little metaphor about fairies has since become part of our household conversation ... did a fairy die today or were some created?

It is important to note that what kills a libido fairy will be different for everyone ... for example in my house my husband is really great at helping with chores and the kids so that is not a factor. For me it is more about the tiredness as I adjust to 2 kids under 3; and as much as I love breastfeeding my baby I confess that by the time both kids are in bed at night I enjoy a little bit of personal space ... time where my body is my own. I also know this will pass and the libido fairies will come out of hiding soon enough ...
Oh, and cups of tea definately not part of my fairy breeding program - a glass of red wine is much better!

I wonder if you can relate at all to this idea or if you are actually sitting there thinking ... "too much information thanks!"

Are libido fairies an endangered species at your house or do they breed with abundance?

Linda x
Motherless Daughters by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, Women who Inspire, Relationships
21 Mar 2011 | 9 Comments

This blog post has been written by Cheryl Strong ... a valued member of the Mums on the Go community ...

When you lose your mother, a piece of your heart (a BIG piece) goes forever. Well that's what happened to me when I lost my mum to cancer 12 years ago.

Like most mum's my mum was my rock, my security blanket, my inspiration....I could go on!! She was the WORLD to me, and still is......and now after having my beautiful son, my admiration for my mother has increased 1 million fold (you know what I mean!?).

I joke with my husband and say if my mum was still alive I would kiss her feet, bring her tea & toast in bed everyday, pay for a massage once week, buy her flowers all the time to thank her for all the sleepless nights, all her love & patience, the hours & hours of rocking me to sleep, for changing my smelly nappies, preparing & cooking all my meals,...as a mum I am sure you get the picture.

It is just amazing how much you love you have for your children and I thought it was hard when I lost my mum but to think that she had to leave her four children (& my gorgeous dad of course) it must have been just terrible.

There are a variety of challenges that come with being a mum, but for me the biggest one is not having my mum around. I have so many questions to ask her, so much tell her and you know what - now and then I just wish she could pop over and make me dinner, or do a load of washing or clean the house!!

I often refer to myself as a "motherless daughter" and I know I am not alone, there are plenty of us out there. The promise I have made to my mum, as a loyal & loving daughter is to always seek out the happiness in this life that she wanted for me! This is what keeps me going on bad days and now allows me to smile (most of the time) when she comes to mind.

One of my favorite quotes is "A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take" - Cardinal Mermillod.

Lastly, I don't have any sisters either but I am sooooo blessed to be have such gorgeous women in my life. I am surrounded by the most amazing, caring and inspirational women. Plus my husband, one of the most amazing men alive & my beautiful, beautiful 12 month old son.

Cheryl x
Turning Dreams into Reality by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, Helpful Hints, Relationships
14 Mar 2011 | 0 Comments

My husband and I shared the dream of traveling to Nepal for 5 years before we actually made it come true. You might be wondering why it took us this long? Well, we had other dreams which we decided to turn into goals and achieve first.

For example our dream to travel around the world for 365 days without having to work, we had a dream to buy a house together, we had a dream to get married. All of these dreams became reality.

What was REALLY important during these 5 years was that we kept our dream of traveling to Nepal "alive". It was essential to keep refreshing the dream, plugging into it, to ensure it didn't fade into the background and become forgotten.

Have you ever had a dream that just seemed to fade away over time?
Dreams need to be kept on our radar and given some energy!

Here are some examples of things we did to keep our dream alive:
* we went to see the movie "Himalaya" which inspired us with amazing mountain scenery (this was our 2nd date together)
* we hired the DVD of "Himalaya" a couple of years later to reconnect to this
* we gave each other guide books on Nepal and Trekking as gifts
* we talked to our friends about sharing this dream with us
* we collected travel brochures and newspaper clippings
* we included traveling the world and climbing mountains together forever as part of our wedding vows

I have personally found it much more challenging to stay connected to my dreams after having children. For me this is caused by becoming consumed by the "busyness" involved in raising children. My husband and I recently made time to sit and discuss our dreams for the next few years to make sure we don't lose sight of them.

What dreams do you have right now?
* Write them down and then list one thing you can do to help keep those dreams alive.
* How do you turn one of those dreams into reality?
* Commit to it, make a plan and start taking action!

Remember - if you can dream you can do it!

Linda x
Connecting: technology vs face to face by Linda Anderson
in Relationships
28 Feb 2011 | 1 Comment
Do you catchup mostly with people in person or via technology (facebook, text, email etc)?
Why?

You may be aware that Cadbury has recently launched the "The Cadbury Catch Up" - a simple promotion based on a simple idea. Buy a specially marked block, enter your unique code online and winners can send a block of Australia’s favourite block of milk chocolate with a note inviting a loved one to share it over a catch up.

Rebecca Huntley, a Director at the Ipsos Mackay Report, author of The World according to Y and mum, has said “Through our research at the Ipsos Mackay Report we’ve found that increasing time and work pressures, busy schedules, complex family arrangements and the increasing prevalence of technology in the household have impacted the amount of face to face time we spend together. But despite these factors, we still have a desire to fit it into our busy lives”

I have recently been reflecting on my own relationship with technology and how it influences my connections with people.

Technology and my household
TV is probably the most obvious technological influence in my household. I know I frequently use ABC2 to occupy my 2.5 year old when I need 30 minutes of peace and quite to get dinner cooked. That doesn't bother me but we have also gotten into the habit of leaving it on whilst she eats her dinner ... it has become the incentive to eat well. If she is eating it stays on, if she is being silly or too distracted by the TV it goes off. I don't think I will get any parenting awards for this but it works.

However, what does this teach her about dinner time? Perhaps I should be more disciplined about turning it off ...
It is always turned off at bathtime so that we can create quiet time, read books etc but perhaps I should be teaching her about "catching up" over the dinner table.

Outside of this we spend a lot of time connecting face to face as a family unit, gardening together, cooking together, playing together etc

Technology and my extended family
My family is spread all over Australia and the world. Facebook and email are a major source of connection for several reasons:
- I don't have to worry about timezones
- It doesn't matter how much noise the kids are making
- I can write an email in several 5 minute blocks during th day ... talking on the phone this way doesnt really work!
Technology and my friendships
This has been the most interesting shift for me recently. Face to face connection with my friends has always been really important to me, however since moving to Melbourne this is largely absent in my day to day life.
I haven't spoken to my best friend in Sydney for 2 months now - before Maddison (currently 13 weeks old) was born we were able to have a good "girl chat" every couple of weeks. With 4 children between us to get to bed now we have struggled to connect often.
Maddison is finally becoming more settled and predictable in the evenings so hopefully we can resume our regular chats soon. For now the occasional text is our connection.

In recent months I have been making a new friend here in Melbourne. She is actually the Mum of my toddlers "best friend" at day care but we actually really like each other far beyond the friendship of our children. However, most of our face to face contact revolves around the children so all "getting to know you" conversation occurs in broken sentences whilst we juggle the girls playtime around us. We laugh at how many conversations we have never actually completed or even begun.

The other week we exchanged a few text messages late at night (10pm) ... we both happened to be up. We shared more about ourselves in those few text messages than we had in several face to face meetings.
This was of great amusement to us both!!

So although I would always prefer to spend time with people in person I can see what an important role technology plays for me in creating and nurturing connections in my world.

What role does technology play in your life? How can you create more face to face connections?

Linda x
Feeling Romantic? by Linda Anderson
in Motherhood, Helpful Hints, Relationships
14 Feb 2011 | 2 Comments

On a scale of 1 - 10 how romantic do you feel in your relationship?

Although I personally dislike the commercialism of Valentines Day I do find it a good day to stop and reflect on the level of romance in my marriage.

I know it is easy to allow the romance to fizzle when my day is full of breastfeeding, toddler tantrums, cooking, keeping on top of work, endless loads of washing ... you get the idea ... When my husband comes home do I feel romantic? Absolutely not! Even when the day has been largely "happy" and "easy" with the kids I still feel pretty drained by 6.30pm.

I also know that if all I focus on is the "doing" of parenting the "being" in a loving, nurturing relationship suffers so it is really important to find simple ways to regularly connect with feeling romantic.

Part of wanting to feel romantic is about how you feel about yourself.
Here are some hints for how you can add more romance all year round:
1. Ask your partner to ditch the present and write a list of all the things they love about you
2. Ask for a weekly back rub in bed (perhaps your TV-Free night?)
3. Request a regular weekly sleep-in where he takes the kids out of the house for the morning, and not return until it's time for their lunch. You sleep in, give yourself a facial,and have a shower...by yourself...with No interruptions!
4. Write romantic notes for each other and leave them to be found (in the fridge, your handbag, on the computer etc) - they only need to be a few words

It doesn't take much effort to do all or a combination of these things every day, and you will be amazed by the change in your relationship.

Linda x
The fear-factory of motherhood by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, Wellbeing for Mums, A Mum's View, Relationships
5 Dec 2010 | 2 Comments

Four years ago today, at 35 weeks gestation, we were told by a very nice and gentle obstetrician, whom I had never met before, that our baby needed to come out into the world within the next 48 hours.

He thought the baby had shrunk over preceding two weeks. He diagnosed inter-uterine growth retardation and raised the possibility that our baby may have intellectual disabilities, because it hadn't been receiving enough nutrients to grow. The 18 week ultrasound picked up a problem, but my G.P didn't read the report, nor did he send it onto midwives at the birth centre, even though they had rung him several times and asked for all the paper work.

***

I've not really had much to do with kids before I had my own.

I'm an only child, and my mother is not what you would describe as 'child-friendly'.

Around the age of 20, I was diagnosed as having endometriosis and warned that conceiving could be difficult, if not impossible. So I planned a glittering career so I didn't have to try and fail.

I was so cut off from the whole 'mothering' instinct that I wasn't even interested in my closest friends children when they were born. I don't think I even held any of them. And if I did, it was because I felt obliged to.

***

"I dont think I can love a child with a disability"

That is all I could think.

Again and again.

And all I could feel was ashamed.

I knew it was wrong, but I was imagining how embarrassing it would be to explain to everyone, for the rest of my child's life, what kind of disability my child had. How I would always feel on the outer, different from all the perfect families around me.

Now I have kids I know that of course I would have loved my child if she had had a disability. I now understand the power of a mother's love. The unbreakable force. The all-encompassing all- consuming love a mother has for her child.

When Zali was born and whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care, it was a terrifying. She seemed so frail, yet was in a much better position than all the tiny bubs in the beeping electrified cribs around her. I knew how fortunate we were.

This was my introduction to motherhood.

And no-one, not even me, stopped to think about the repercussions this introduction would have on me.

Everyone was focussed on her. On how she looked (like an alien!) On how small she was. On how scared they felt when they saw her in the humidicrib.

But no-one turned to me and said 'wow, this must be scary for you.'

Until this morning.

Four years later, one of my favourite mummy friends commented that it must have been a terrifying experience. She said it was scary enough to have a perfectly healthy baby from a text-book standard pregnancy.

She's right.

If it had been my second child, I think I would have been much more secure in the whole love-conquers-all. Well, at least I would like to think that.

There are so many pithy one-liners about how kids don't come with an instruction manual. But not enough of us stop to think, really think, about what this actually means to a first time Mum. How scary it is when your child cries and you cant seem to sooth them. About the confusion you feel when they just won't sleep when and where you want them to. About how your body is not your own anymore. And then when it is, it droops and sags in places that it didn't before kids.

But four years and two gorgeous girls down the track, I can see the light. And I can offer myself support and comfort.

If you are feeling doubt, or fear about motherhood......You are normal.

And you are not alone.

Love Calli xxx
mother guilt - a hard habit to break by Mums on the Go
in Motherhood, A Mum's View, Relationships
21 Nov 2010 | 2 Comments

Something really amazing happened to me on Friday night. I apologised to my husband for asking him to do something that I defined as being part of "my job" .

He turned to me and said "Why are you apologising?"

You know the stupid thing was that I actually had to THINK about why - it just felt like because he was doing something that I thought I was 100% responsible for, I needed to apologise.

So I thought about it, and realised:

It was because I felt incredibly guilty about asking him to do something for me.

I felt like I was asking a huge favour.

Isn't that crazy????

I never grumble if he asks me to do something out of the ordinary for him, so why should I feel like it was such a huge imposition?

Today we had a play date with some friends down the road. The Mum spent last saturday night with her girlfriend in a hotel - cocktails by the pool, massage in the afternoon, dinner in a dress, (at a table that had no melamine crockery) and then she slept in a bed, (with no children in it) until 8am the next morning!

She simultaneously relished the experience, and felt guilty......a little about being away from the kids, a little more about the cost, and the guilt-kicker was leaving her husband to be the solo parent for the night.

And the craziest thing about her guilt is that her husband does a lot of over-seas travel for his work. It is common for him to be away at least one week every month.....and she was feeling guilty about one night!!!!

It reminded me about the blog Linda wrote about asking for help, and it also made me think about how us Mums, (and in particular working Mums) are the largest and fastest growing economy in the world....and how we are NOT flexing our power. We are too busy apologising for not having a clone.

What do you apologise of feel unnecessarily guilty about? I'd love to know....
When Parents need a holiday too! by Linda Anderson
in Wellbeing for Mums, Relationships
23 Aug 2010 | 0 Comments
As I sit to write this blog I am looking out at the grey winter sky of Melbourne and dreaming of the warmth of North QLD ... we are days away for our first (only) family holiday this year.

I am really looking forward to having some time away from the laptop and mobile phone, playing at the beach with my 2 year old and having quality 'fun time' as a family. However, I am aware of this somewhat secret desire within me for a 'parents holiday' ... time where my husband and I can have a holiday from being parents ... even just for a day or two.

As much as I am looking forward to our family holiday I know it doesn't free me from dealing with toddler tantrums, negotiations about how many times hands get washed and how long the water can run for, or a seemingly endless number of times I hear "what's that"? I will still be eating dinner at 5.30pm and getting up 5 times during my meal to get 'more drink', 'a different spoon' or whatever else is required to get toddler dinner consumed.

This secret desire of mine has raised many questions - mainly 'Am I selfish for wanting a parent holiday'? and 'How can my husband and I actually get one ... preferably before baby #2 arrives later this year?"

Do you ever have a parent holiday (24hours, weekend, week?) with your partner? How do you achieve this?

Ideas I have stolen from other parents include:
- holiday with other families and give each other time our from being "parents"
- take grandparents on holiday with you so you can have some time out from being 'parents'
- leave the children with relatives/friends for the weekend (or longer) to have a parent holiday ... I recall being very envious of friends who left their toddler with grandparents for 5 days whilst they went skiing
- holiday in places that have a "Kids Club" to allow for some parent time off
- swap "sleepover" Saturday nights with another family to have a mini-weekend ... stay at home or getaway somewhere nearby
By the time this blog is live on our website I will be building sandcastles on the beach, looking in rock pools or once again answering the question "What's that?" ... and I will be loving it!
My secret desire will still be there waiting for me to do something about it another day ...

Linda x
Husbands, Housework and Sex - the great divide by Mums on the Go
in Relationships
2 Aug 2010 | 0 Comments

Late last year, I made my facebook friends cringe. My status update read:

"Calli Brown has realised her husband is so much more sexually attractive on the days he folds the washing, hangs clothes out on the line, un-stacks the dishwasher - using his own initiative!!!!"

I hadn't thought about that status update until last weekend.

As you know I attended the working mums masterclass. The highlight was hearing Juanita Phillips (ABC TV 7pm Newsreader), which really surprised me because I had seen the women's magazines articles where it appeared motherhood had only added to her sense of serenity.

She has written a book called "A Pressure Cooker Saved My Life." I can not recommend it highly enough. A mixture of fascinating vignettes citing research papers investigating circumstances of working mums, and personally touching insight into her own struggle. Her experience is resplendent with a panic attack in front of a million people while reading the TV news - a direct consequence of her working-mother responsibilities. She is one honest, sincere and real woman. (Perhaps she should become PM?)

And what does it have to do with my facebook status update? Well, perhaps my friends could have done without my announcement, but it turns out I'm not alone.

In her book she writes "Studies show the more housework a man does, the more attractive his wife finds him.'Therapists say there is a direct correlation between men doing more housework and the frequency of sex, and wives reported greater feelings of sexual interest for husbands who participated in housework a report for the US council on contemporary families found."

Juanita also pointed out another incredible stat. When a woman gets married her housework load increases, and, you guessed it, a man's decreases. Last week Linda blogged about the experiences of being 1950s housewife - it seems many of our contemporary husbands have not progressed.

So why do we still have this major discrepancy between the division of housework? I am yet to meet a man who wouldn't like more sex.....

The beauty of Juanita's book and the talk she gave (if you get a chance to hear her speak , grasp it with both hands. It is worth paying for a babysitter to hear her) is that she shares her own personal perspective of life behind the stats.

They solved many of their problems by role reversal. She is now the major "breadwinner" and her husband is the primary "care giver" & being at home more, took on a larger share of "House-work duties".

But this solution also brought to life some more problems.

Like in my house, and I dare say yours, Juanita's definition of "clean & tidy" & "frequency" of doing the housework was not the same as her husbands.

And like many other aspects to a marriage - they have had to compromise. These days, she doesn't just do his jobs because he hasn't done them in the time frame she would like. She allows him the space to do it his way.

It was kind of spooky timing because I have just started to do the same. We've recently re-jigged the chores in our house. My husband is now responsible for keeping the kitchen tidy and in particular stacking and unstacking the dishwasher. As a consequence, I have consciously developed "kitchen blindness". And I am allowing the dishes to pile up on the sink. As much as it frustrates me to see the pile teeter like the leaning tower of Pisa, it is important to our deal that I allow him to do it his way. (If I was to do it, it lets him off the hook and gives him the message that I am ultimately responsible, not him.)

But do you know what? Since he has taken on this new responsibility, he has been known on occasions to notice other things that need doing. He no longer sees the chores as only my responsibility, they are his too. He doesn't do them to my standards, but he is doing them. (Sometimes!) And I think I know why husbands who do a fairer share of housework get more sex. I know it probably sounds bizarre, but It makes me feel loved when he does it. Like he is saying with his actions that he shares the responsibility for the back-breaking monotonous chores that never go away. And in turn, I remember all those feelings of love and affection I had before my mind was consumed with trying to fit everything in each day.

I will leave you with a quote from Juanita's book. It is a zen proverb - "After enlightenment, the laundry." I wish I had read this quote before i blogged about happiness and parenting being a contradiction - as it sheds light on the workload of a mother!

Hope you have a great week, I'm really curious about how you feel the housework divide plays out in your home and relationship.

Love Calli xx

PS As a post script - I wrote most of this blog on Saturday & Sunday afternoons. This morning (Monday) I went to do the groceries before work. This was after I had got the girls dressed, packed their bags for family day care, and put a load of washing on. The dishwasher needed to be unstacked and re-stacked. This, and giving the girls some toast were the only family responsibilities my husband had. I returned with the groceries to - A MESSY KITCHEN with NO jobs done. Man I was cranky! But do you know what? I am leaving them. I am going to cook dinner tonight and just let them all pile up. It is going to be embarrassing as my folks are coming around - but I value my time and our agreement. The kitchen stays as it is !!!
Porn for Women by Mums on the Go
in Relationships
22 Jun 2010 | 0 Comments

When a friend of ours gave birth to her first child, like many of us she was struggling a bit. So we bought her a book called Porn for New Mums. It was a collection of images of hunky looking men doing the cooking, cleaning and less pleasant baby jobs such as changing nappies.

I was reminded of this book when I was reading the HILDA report.

We've raised the HILDA report onto how families live their life. We're really hot on it because there aren't many long term studies of how families decide to live their life. (HILDA stands for Household, Income and Labour Dynamics Survey.) Over the past 9 years, they've surveyed the same 9,600 families to see what choices they are making when it comes to work & family life and how they feel about the decisions they've made.

The results are mixed:

* 7 per cent of Mums say they are stressed, compared to 4 % of dads

* One of the main bones of contention in a marriage is the division of housework (cooking cleaning general tidying up). 66 % of women said they did more than their fair share, with 30 % of blokes confessing to not pulling their weight.

i dont know about you, but I think it's pretty terrific that blokes are fessing up. It says to me that they understand cooking/cleaning/general tidying up is their responsibility too (even if they aren't doing anything about it!)

Before we had kids, getting a housecleaner resulted in halving the number of fights between my husband and I. It was one of the best things we did for our marriage. Especially for me. I really resented being the "first" to get to a job, and hated nagging him. According to him we have different "tolerance" levels of messiness, and I shouldn't have expected him to become as intolerant as me. I just thought he was lazy and knew that I would eventually do it. It was pretty intractable. But then Suzie the cleaner from heaven came into our life and matrimonial bliss was bestowed upon us.

Now that I work from home and our circumstances have changed, we no longer have Suzie. I do about 90% of the cooking and cleaning. But i dont feel as i once did. I am content (most of the time) with how we divide it. Daily he unstacks the dishwasher (probably tokenistic, but makes me feel like the burden isn't all on me!) and of a weekend cooks (and cleans up after!

The difference between then and now is that we have negotiated our arrangement and we both mostly stick to it. There aren't any expectations that aren't met. (Probably helped by the fact I have fewer expectations of him!!!!)

But it is MY choice. I own it.

We could decide to get a housecleaner again, but I would prefer to use that money on myself - such as visiting the beautician every now and again, and going to mothers group personal training.

I will be really interested to see the results of the poll on the homepage. To understand your feelings on how the division works (or not) in your family.

You can also share your experiences here. Are you one of the 7% of mothers that are stressed? And what are you stressed about? I'd love to know not just how you manage to juggle everything, but how you feel about it....and I'd especially like to know if you find the concept of the book Porn for new mums humourous!

have a great week

Calli xxx

Directory Members Search Widget

City

Location